a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
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Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
💀💀
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.