Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

never ask a starfish for directions

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”