a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
men are simple creatures
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“What?”
– Jude
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…