As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I finally found a reason to live again.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn