@robwhisman

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

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@Beagz

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@Jacksawyerr

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

@GrowlyGrego

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

@wickedsuga

If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.