A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant