A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
You Might Also Like
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….