a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet