a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You Might Also Like
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
tfw you realize …
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.