Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”
Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons