a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*