a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

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Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.


If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”


I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.


[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.


don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*


8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course


A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice


Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons