@ch000ch

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

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@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@SnackMomSyndrom

If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”

@TheBoydP

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@lisaxy424

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@MrsGoose69

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons