a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

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Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.


Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink?

5yo: I don’t have poison on my fingers!

Me: But why did you….wait, what?


The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.


*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.


My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.


[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY


Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings


In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.


me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same