a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
About to throw up
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A Match(.com), but for socks.
had to make it
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.