A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.


Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.


I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.


Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?


The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.


The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.


What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.