Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If a snake ate a cake