a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Thinking about a snail with a limp
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to