A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
You Might Also Like
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
You sure about that?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.