@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

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@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

@fro_vo

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@aboladejohn_

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

@kobychill

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell