(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Coffee is ready.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
FRED: right
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life