Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

The legends were true

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.