A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally