Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.