A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em