Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.