I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If you know, you know
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.