a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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I’m not lazy
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there