a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
the only organized thing in my life is crime
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys