Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!