A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”