A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
yeah not falling for this one
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats