A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.