A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
What the hell happened here.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I put the mess in domestic.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
every olympics i turn into this guy
