A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
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Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Ooh I do like a good funnel
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I love texting my boyfriend
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.