Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

This sounds bad:

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*