a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”