a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
You Might Also Like
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me buying fruit and veg
