A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I am HOWLING at this
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr