A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*