A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.