A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”