A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
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technique
I’m being attacked 😭
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
All right then, keep your secrets
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
This is hilarious
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner