A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
waiting for halloween be like:
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding