A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.