A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.