[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?