God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
dam girl
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”