@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@JohnLyonTweets

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

@mdvaldosta

Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.

@withanewname

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?