A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!