A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Terribly Tuesday.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Pringles
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
