A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
when there are deer in the woods
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
i want it utterly assaulted.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….