A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba