A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.