A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?