A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her