Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.