Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

every man in east london

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO