Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

#gardening

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Follow me for more fitness tips.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast