A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.