Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Me, in DM rooms…

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.