A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Meow
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.