A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you