Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Can confirm.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person