A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine