A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.