A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”