a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives