a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The Eggorcist
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately