Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

WTF IS THAT!

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.