Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.