a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
rebranding
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
who did the taste test?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.