a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Monica just destroyed the internet
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.