a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Tuesday
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar