A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.