a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Support your local cemetery
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.