a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?