Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

Dyslexics are teople poo!

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.