Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Born to be mild.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.