Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules