A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.