A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Rambo Rambow
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while