A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge