A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.